Sometimes I wonder
if it is worth
all this tears and heartache
all the agony of missing him
and
all the pain of longing for someone so faraway
trying to remember
what it felt like to feel
so alone
so lonely
so unwanted
so loveless
and I know that it is worth it,
because there will be an end
to the pain,
and the pleasure will be more appreciated
when its time come
and ‘til then
I’ll just bask
in the memory of
his smile
his loving eyes
and hold on
to our talk
on cyber space
‘til we meet again!
rya
26/6/11
12.12 a.m.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Windmills in my mind
I don’t know what to write actually or whether I should even write this, but my mind has been going round and round it since I have been back, I just can’t keep it straight anymore, I need the clarity that writing it out would give me. Phil’s friend keeps telling me that I got to learn to be selfish, that in life in order to get anywhere we have to think of ourselves first. He was telling me in regards of decisions I have to make in life especially in regards of what is good for my relationship with Phil. I know he sees it as easy as choosing what is advantageous for us rather than thinking of the good of everyone else. Well the thing is he sees it from his point of view, but in a way what I am choosing now is quite selfish, I am choosing what I want, to have him and to have my family happy with me, though in the end the one that is suffering for now is me. But all the compromise that I have been shown won’t give me what I really need and want, so I am being selfish for wanting it my own way and not willing to compromise that. I am lucky though that Phil is willing to accept that however it pains him and I guess that is why I love him so much and respect him for it, for that ability to see my point of view despite how it goes against the grain of his worldview.
Another thing that is whirling in my mind is Phil’s insistence of the freedom that I’ll have to face when I am with him and his wanting me to embrace it. As he sees it I am too confine now and that the freedom that will be mine will be a problem and I am in need of some training for it. But the funny thing is as he says that, I don’t think he sees what I am choosing now is because I have the freedom of choice of what I want, and he is the one who gave it to me, lol, an irony and the funniest dichotomy ever, what he sees as me being restricted to tradition and culture, I see as a freedom of choice that he keeps insisting I have. Well again, it shows me that however different a background we both come from, however different our worldview is because how our world shape us, we share a core similarity that will make sure we go through all our differences as easy and painless as possible. As day goes by, I am more sure than ever that this is meant to be and that we love each other enough to make it till the end of our journey, maybe not unscathed, but strong enough to withstand it all, insyaallah!
Another thing that is whirling in my mind is Phil’s insistence of the freedom that I’ll have to face when I am with him and his wanting me to embrace it. As he sees it I am too confine now and that the freedom that will be mine will be a problem and I am in need of some training for it. But the funny thing is as he says that, I don’t think he sees what I am choosing now is because I have the freedom of choice of what I want, and he is the one who gave it to me, lol, an irony and the funniest dichotomy ever, what he sees as me being restricted to tradition and culture, I see as a freedom of choice that he keeps insisting I have. Well again, it shows me that however different a background we both come from, however different our worldview is because how our world shape us, we share a core similarity that will make sure we go through all our differences as easy and painless as possible. As day goes by, I am more sure than ever that this is meant to be and that we love each other enough to make it till the end of our journey, maybe not unscathed, but strong enough to withstand it all, insyaallah!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Missing and Longing
“We may only have tonight, but till the morning sun, you’re mine, all mine,” kept singing that over and over today. Heard Plain White T’s new single Rhythm of Love a few weeks before I went to UK, liked it, but today as it plays on the radio and my heart was in pain with missing him so much, it eases with the simple lyric and easy on the ear melody. As always when I don’t get to chat with him I miss him a little bit more than usual, nothing really helps till I get to chat with him again or get a short text, but both didn’t happen yet, but listening to the song again and again online helps. Thank god, it is never comfortable this hurting, and I think my eyes is relieve for the break it is giving me because true to the lyric, “all your tears will subside, all your tears will dry,” I have stop crying for the day.
I don’t know why I am missing him this much, it feels like a part of me is missing, boy is furious with me moping around all the time, but I can’t help it, it is just how I am feeling all the time now. Before I went back I ask for him to give me something to wear to remember him by, I was actually aiming at his chains, but I couldn’t do it, I knew how he loves it, but to have something he has worn so long, and on me all the time, would be cool. Instead he bought me clothes, lol. Well the t-shirt I wore home is good for everyday use, but not till sis noticed that I am kind of wearing it every day. Then when I sent that to the wash, I start wearing the cute dress he bought me, lol, which starts boy asking why am I wearing such a nice dress just to sent sis to the market? Well I can’t actually tell them it is because I miss him so much and I need him near, they will laugh or shake their head, so hun do u see how the chain would have been easier, lol.
Well till we don’t have to say we may only have tonight I guess I got to learn to cope better and trust that soon we will be together. I love you hun, so much!
p.s Plain White T's Rhythm of Love
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Letters to Mummy 8
Dear Mummy,
I am in mess, both body and mind. I know the last post I made was a part 1 of my visit to Phil. I was supposed to write many more, but I got too busy and too tired to write. I am home now, I am happy I am home, I missed the family, the food, but at the same time I am extremely sad. I hate leaving him Mum and I hate that it is for indefinitely. We were supposed to get married this year, but financially it is just not doable, and the postponement hurts. I can’t bear to be without him anymore, but I can’t see a way out. He can, but he understand why I can’t and it is tearing us apart that it is me that is not making it possible. I know I have to talk to Dad and sees what he thinks, but I don’t know how Mom, since you are not around he has not been in the best of mood, and you know I don’t deal well with Dad. Phil don’t get it why I am so scared to talk to Dad, to his observation Dad is not a monster and he doesn’t get it why a 35 years old still cringe thinking of asking her dad stuff. But you know Mom, you and Adik has always been my buffer, Dad and I we are too alike, that we actually rubbed each other the wrong way sometime, and I have learnt to fear the consequences, he can hurt me like no one else can, with just a word, and he can comfort me like no one else can, with just a smile. Mom, I miss you, I miss talking to you, sounding you out before talking to Dad, having you intervene if things get too tense, Mummy, I need you, now!
I know it is not fair, but there’s no one I could turn to anymore. I know Phil has my back, but I know in this he is not objective either, Mummy, I don’t know what to do. Mummy, I need you!
I am sorry. I shouldn’t do this. But I am that lost now, Mom, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop thinking, but the thing is I can’t make myself talk to anyone, alive that is. I am just too scared and my mind to scattered to make myself heard right. Had a long talk with Phil, but it just get short of an argument, with him going back to his prodding method trying to get me motivated, and thank god I am calm, or is it passively tired enough, not to rise to his trolling, because I don’t think I could handle a fight right now. It would be just the thing to just push me all right, but I don’t think it will be the direction he wants me to go. I don’t know Mom, right now I feel like I am being pulled in two directions, and that soon I might just fall apart. All I am doing now is praying for strength and clarity, but neither seems to be coming in just yet. So I write to you, which make most question my sanity anyway, but what else can I do. I can’t let this starts tearing holes in my mind, trying to sort itself out. I don’t know if it is the best idea to do, but it is the only thing I can do. Forgive me!
Along
I am in mess, both body and mind. I know the last post I made was a part 1 of my visit to Phil. I was supposed to write many more, but I got too busy and too tired to write. I am home now, I am happy I am home, I missed the family, the food, but at the same time I am extremely sad. I hate leaving him Mum and I hate that it is for indefinitely. We were supposed to get married this year, but financially it is just not doable, and the postponement hurts. I can’t bear to be without him anymore, but I can’t see a way out. He can, but he understand why I can’t and it is tearing us apart that it is me that is not making it possible. I know I have to talk to Dad and sees what he thinks, but I don’t know how Mom, since you are not around he has not been in the best of mood, and you know I don’t deal well with Dad. Phil don’t get it why I am so scared to talk to Dad, to his observation Dad is not a monster and he doesn’t get it why a 35 years old still cringe thinking of asking her dad stuff. But you know Mom, you and Adik has always been my buffer, Dad and I we are too alike, that we actually rubbed each other the wrong way sometime, and I have learnt to fear the consequences, he can hurt me like no one else can, with just a word, and he can comfort me like no one else can, with just a smile. Mom, I miss you, I miss talking to you, sounding you out before talking to Dad, having you intervene if things get too tense, Mummy, I need you, now!
I know it is not fair, but there’s no one I could turn to anymore. I know Phil has my back, but I know in this he is not objective either, Mummy, I don’t know what to do. Mummy, I need you!
I am sorry. I shouldn’t do this. But I am that lost now, Mom, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop thinking, but the thing is I can’t make myself talk to anyone, alive that is. I am just too scared and my mind to scattered to make myself heard right. Had a long talk with Phil, but it just get short of an argument, with him going back to his prodding method trying to get me motivated, and thank god I am calm, or is it passively tired enough, not to rise to his trolling, because I don’t think I could handle a fight right now. It would be just the thing to just push me all right, but I don’t think it will be the direction he wants me to go. I don’t know Mom, right now I feel like I am being pulled in two directions, and that soon I might just fall apart. All I am doing now is praying for strength and clarity, but neither seems to be coming in just yet. So I write to you, which make most question my sanity anyway, but what else can I do. I can’t let this starts tearing holes in my mind, trying to sort itself out. I don’t know if it is the best idea to do, but it is the only thing I can do. Forgive me!
Along
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