I miss you Mummy ;(

There is nothing worse for someone who depends on her ability to write things out to be able to sort her emotional turmoils to not be able to do that. In a previous post I mention how envious I was with dad and sis who could write out what they were feeling after mom passed away. It is three weeks today since mom went home and I still can’t write. I have so much to say, not that I don’t but I can’t write it down or to be more correct type it out. I have stared at the blank Words pages countless of time I can’t count it on my hands anymore, finger poised ready to type, but nothing, all those emotions roiling in my brain desperate to come out can’t be put to words, somehow the tools of my catharsis all this troubled years failed me when I need it the most.

A lot of people won’t understand this, as shown by comments daddy and adik received on their piece of writing, 90% begged them to move on, not to dwell on the grief, that it is not healthy, and not good for Mom’s peace etc. But what they don’t get is, it is very healthy process for them, if they are able to work through their grief through what they do best i.e. writing and something selfless mom won’t begrudge, and most grief counsellor would agree it is a good thing to do. I guess people who don’t depend on writing wouldn’t get it, for most writing is something to dread not to enjoy, and most probably haven’t experience the catharsis that writing their emotions or problems could give them. It doesn’t matter, what matters is that I need it, bad. When I was talking to Phil soon after, he urged me to write, he knows it would help me more than any comforting words he could say, and since he is thousands of miles away and can’t give me the hug I needed, he knows that writing would offer me the comfort of release.

But what can I say? Everything seems so cold, so sterile, and I am numb. Reading the diagnosis on the death certificate over and over again, sepsis with multiple organ failure, a cold sterile statement that does not indicate at all the world of hurts it has inflicted on me and the family. Losing mom was something I am not ready for, during the middle of the46 days of her hospital stay, when things were looking quite bleak, Phil asked me if I was prepared, I told him the truth, I don’t think I will ever be prepared. And though outwardly I am going through the motions for everyone’s sake, inwardly I am a mess, shown by my desperate message on Phil’s Skype: -

I want mom back Hun, she is the only one who loves me no questions ask, I can do anything, be anything and she loves me

Basically that says it all, mom was truly the only person who has unconditional love for me, actually for all of us in the family, and I have lost that and it hurts and it doesn’t make sense that it all started with a stupid fall that cause no fracture and end up with me losing someone I am so not ready to see gone. She was supposed to see me married thus giving her the hope of having grandchildren – her dearest wish – and when she has fulfilled so many of my dreams, it seems so unfair that time won’t let me fulfil one of hers. What hurts was when she was first lucid in the first weeks of visiting her, she said to me almost desperately for me to get married, and I jokingly told her who is going to look after her if I do, and when she says my husband will, I sort of promise her that when she gets better I will do my best to get her that wish. Noticed I said when, not if, because I would have never imagined she wouldn’t be there.

Well I guess I have gone as far as I can today, it is a start, and though there’s still a world of hurts inside of me, as Phil say it needs time, time will make it bearable, but right now I can’t see that time would ever take the hurt away. I miss you mummy.

Speechless

In previous post, I said I can’t write because the words wouldn’t come out. Now I have so many words that wanted to come out, but the words are so bitter and angry that I don’t think I should write it out. It will be taken wrongly by so many and hurt some people that I do not intend to hurt. I don’t know why nothing comes easy in my life; dealing with losing mom is hard enough but as always life will always throws a curve that makes it harder. But I am afraid of the repercussion of bottling all this emotion up, I had to control the flow of my tears, so the siblings could lean on my strength and dad would have one less thing to worry about, I was so good at bottling that up till I scared the nurses who had never seen someone so calm awaiting family to come, till the relatives were whispering it is ok to cry, I know that, but what they don’t understand I can only cry when I am alone, because when Adik and Abang see me cry they would cry of course but the worse thing is they lose their shoulder to cry on because they assumed my shoulder is already burdened with my own insurmountable pain.

But my tears are not really bottled up, just controlled, so I should be all right, I am grieving properly. But this anger and bitterness have no outlet I could direct it to. To be clear my anger and bitterness is not about losing mom, I am at peace with that. She was in so much pain towards the end, the non-stop bleeding in her mouth that I had to suction out, made me whisper to mom to let go if she can’t take it anymore, and I begged God to take her if it is her time. So I am sad but I am glad mom is at peace. I can’t even tell why I am angry, it is too ugly to be exposed and how do I deal with that? I have learnt from experience how dangerous my bottled up emotions could be, I don’t want another major breakdown, I can’t afford it, I have Dad, Adik and Abang to look after, who are all vulnerable emotionally right now, so won’t be able to handle it if I get sick.

All I want to ask is why? Don’t they think we are already in enough pain? Or is the rewards gain from visiting the sick and attending the funeral enough to cover this minor sin of hurting the family of the decease feelings? I don’t know, but I guess my heart already broke when mom passed away, so this couldn’t make it worse could it? You can’t hurt an already broken heart, I guess.

Bereft of words

Dad has his photos and his poems, sis found her groove back and wrote an eloquent eulogy from the heart, but I can’t even write a short status, I can’t find the words. Phil told me to write, he says it would help, but I told him the words won’t come out, and he says, it will come. I guess it all boils down to what I sms to Phil right after I called Adik to tell her the news, I texted, “ Hun, Mom just passed away. I think my heart just broke a million pieces.” And my words have always been from the heart, and its broken now, how can it come?

Mummy's Promise

Three weeks ago thereabouts when I was bedsitting Mummy, the patient next to her bed passed away and her mom was crying. I whispered to Mum (and I know this wasn’t fair or very adult), “Mummy promise me, you won’t make me cry that way.” She nodded as Mum always do when I ask her impossible things, never saying a word because she knows I know it is impossible, I just needed the comfort that Mum will try her best for my impossible request. That is Mum to the core; her love for us will make her try all the impossible things and most of the time she made it possible. There are so many things yet I want to share with her, on his attempt to help me prepare for the worse, even Phil was distracted with his own hopes and dreams:

[10/8/2010 3:49:59 PM] Phil McQuinn: i saw my own eyes what a wonderful kind person she was
yet the welcome she gave me cannot be exaggerated
it’s a tribute that sounds hollow
I was concerned of course :P
yet your parents set me to ease
and I have nothing but the deepest respect for your father AND mum
the world will be poorer without her, I wish to the bottom of my heart that its not her time
i really want her to see her daughter married
I would dearly wish and i do pray I can watch you show her, her grandchildren
it would give me great happiness to see that day
but those are my hopes, my dreams
not to burden you with
sorry
got distracted

But I guess that is just us planning, God decides. However I made Mummy promise, the decision is in God’s hand. Ya Allah, will you grant me a little more time?...